seeing through me...

day 25...

(cena-- i am bringing on the deepness, but it is hump day, so a little thought to get you over the hump:)

so on this hump day a little lite reading material...or rather thought provoking to carry you over the hump...

~at work every other wednesday we have manager meetings (i know, right major snooze fest, "if you looked up fun in the dictionary that would be it," ummm not so much)...however these meetings are not about numbers (which ps me & numbers = not friends, so thank God, b/c everyone in the whole room would be spending the 2 hrs reconfiguring what i did;), stats, or status reports, i consider it the other aspect of being a manager, the part that not everyone wants to deal with or rather the part that is almost abstract as a manager, the characteristics of becoming great managers/leaders (no matter where we go)...so i acutally enjoy them (i am not saying that, due to the fact that my boss could see this; i actually do), i love people and love learning from people, & these are some great people so i get to hear first hand & take something i may not know or take on a new perspective, these meetings are a place to grow, learn from your peers, learn from people who have experience, a place to be in a very raw (not veggie raw, but out there raw) state...ok the point (insert thought, if she gets any further from these topics we are going to be in BFE)

...so the president of the company poses these questions, some times we sit around & discuss items or issues (i like these b/c then i don't have to talk, i know shocker, had a horrible experience when i was in high school, explain another time) or there are times we have to get up & actually give our connection to the topic most often business related but some times it can be personal...well a few meetings back he stood in front of us & started talking about this idea of transparency...to pose questions or requests of people & be completely transparent, not to hurt or criticize but to talk out issues/problems & maintain our professional relationships and be completely and utterly honest with each other & he wanted us to point out specific people we need things from (yes, everyone in the room started in their shifting seats just as you are now), this is f'n awkward, i have to call someone out & ask why somethin' is not getting done (yes, the thought crossed my mind is there anyway i can get out of this meeting, where is the fire alarm)...now remember its not personal, & shouldn't be (like "your shirt is ugly, i can't look at you when we are in a meeting"), its a way to say, "hey, remember that issue we were supposed to discuss,  i have yet to hear, yada, yada"...get the point, be transparent, be honest & see what you get, maybe they forgot, maybe they didn't see it that way, maybe they are now aware, maybe they respect you now more than ever, b/c you said something (longest introduction ever to a blog topic, apparently i am good at writing novels lately, i guess i have a lot to say; first indication, a blog of 365 days of me babbling;)

well i am anything but transparent outside my family (to them i am invisible; they can see right through me, thank God they are my family b/c they are stuck with me & love me for me) & super duper (yes that is a category) close friends (they are the ones that know me the best & despite my craziness, still love me & will actually call me out), i am not about sharing lots of personal s^%$ about me or my family; let alone what i think or feel, or what my perspective is compared to yours...its a trust thing (remember the post, circa Jan. 18, 2012) & a vulnerability thing (kate let the analyzation begin)...

well probably outside those two categories b/c i wanted to maintain a friendship to the truest degree, i decided to take transparency out for a spin (kate would we call that a break through); now don't get excited this transparency is not something i am throwing out there for everyone, i definitely haven't come that far; but i realized (not just over night) that in order for this relationship/friendship to work i needed to be completely/utterly transparent & honest NO MATTER the outcome...it was a me thing...nothing else...

so are you asking why? (well you should be & besides i am goin' tell you, grab some vodka it will help with the next paragraph or the next 340 posts;)...it was not like it was a fake but an abridged friendship, i would hold my tongue, talk in half sentences, not speak complete thoughts (insert thought, wait she does that all the time, there is a difference), only say so much for a fear of losing what we have...& a past experience taught me that by not being transparent/honest i could lose friends, a regret i have (& i don't regret anything, but losing people you have come to appreciate is one, i digress, another blog another day) which i am slowly understanding the lessons from...maybe that was the purpose for that one, but this time i was at least going to put myself out there in the rawest form (you know the feeling, like when you get a super deep cut & its exposed and the slightest bump or touch makes it burn for like hours & could even last days), so out there that person could take what you have put out there & put in a food processor not to just chop you up but pulverize you (yippee for transparency), basically not an easy thing for a person to do, especially when that person takes an uber long time to trust people...

...now you want to know what happened, right? or at least why the hell am i telling you all this to not give the juicy details and the outcome of being so transparent...well, unlike so many other times, my mouth shuts here...b/c its not about the details of who, or what i said, or even the outcome but the idea that i became transparent & said what i wanted, what i felt & allowed someone, who i could have lost (ps -- if you are thinking, "listen sister, if they don't like what you have to say than screw'em," that is an easier statement to say when you don't want that person/or you are not ready for that person to not be there & you don't value a friendship...told you it was a thought provoking hump day) TO SEE THROUGH ME (& it felt f*&(^$ awesome)!

<3 DK