santa's schools me...

Dear Fat Ass Bridesmaid,

Just because you have to squeeze your fat ass in to a bridesmaid/maid of honor dress does not mean you get to blame me for eating cookies one damn night of the year...especially since i work my ass off making children's hearts warm and their faces shine with cheer....do you know how cold it is up here? i need the fat to keep me warm, and it doesn't hurt that mrs. claus likes a little meat on her man...what are you going to do next, blame the easter bunny for leavin' you candy in a basket...seriously, he is a poor defenseless animal...the only person you should blame is the person shoving the cake in her mouth, ohh wait that isn't me, that would be you...

...so quit f*@% complaining, run a mile, eat some salad or don't and just be happy & fat like me...either way, i never want to receive a letter from a bitter fat ass asking for money for a liposuction (cause honestly you aren't getting it anyways, i don't care how fat you are, santa is on a budget, & the children's dolls, trucks, guitars, skates, etc, are way more important than your waistline...& if you have a problem with that i will send you letters and some pictures, your tone will change fast) & especially asking me to stop eating, cause that is NEVER going to happen...

p.s...did i mention you have now moved from the fat, happy kids list to the fat, bitter, nasty list...which means not only do you get squat for christmas, but i am leavin' you the damn carrots and giving the reindeer the good shit...

Merry Freakin' Christmas!

Santa

did you miss my fat ass...

...well did you?...b/c it is hard to miss ;)

**disclaimer 732...Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Holy Fatness!!!

(it is that time of the year, "Santa is coming," so in honor of him; a letter to santa...)

Dear Santa,

I would like to thank you for being a fine specimen of human svelteness and an example to all of how to eat during this holiday season.

...we can chalk up beating fat, during this time of year, to you, the white guy who squeezes his fat ass down our chimneys and has a whole plate of cookies to himself, and gives the carrots to the reindeers who actually do all of the work, pullin the sleigh the whole damn night....hmmm santa, we follow your example and give the not so fun, healthy tasting food to the animals & we eat not just one cookie, but the whole damn plate...nice really nice...so you leave us great clothes, but guess what, ohh smart Fr. Christmas, we can't fit in them because we are FAT....which i realize it is a lot better if you are going to be fat, might as well have company, b/c i am the same way...however i can't afford to put the whole year back on my hips, so maybe this christmas, we watch the cookie intake, we can do it together, i know we can...

all i want for christmas, santa is a waistline, what can you do for me?...& if you could make it happen before i have to order wedding dresses that would be great...

sincerely,

the fat bridesmaid/maid of honor...

P.S...i actually love you Santa, but my therapist says i have a lot of pent up anger, & i told him it was a lot of pent up fat, so he said i should express it in words instead of eating my feelings, i wasn't ready to do that, so i apologize for taking it out on you, please do not hold it against me, especially when you are leaving me millions for my liposuction...with all my love....Merry Christmas!

STAY TUNED FOR SANTA'S RESPONSE....